Fearful and Ashamed

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…What am I doing wrong??… Do I have a sign on my forehead that says unfriendly?? … Is there legitimately something about me that repels people?? … Why can’t I make friends??

I really would love to know why making friends seems to be completely impossible for me. Why everyone else around me has seven best friends and I don’t even have one.

I’m shy. Is that the problem? I don’t just walk up to strangers and strike up a conversation. I’m nervous around new people. I can be sarcastic. I can make people hate me in seconds. I am not a Chatty Cathy. I can be in a crowded room surrounded by people I know and still feel alone.

Fear has grown inside me. It started as a seed. Now I feel as of there is a tree inside of me taking hold of my body. I fear the future. Am I doing what God wants me to be? It feels right…. I fear rejection. Why open up to someone only to be turned away?? And yet at the same time I fear acceptance. Why open up to someone if they are potentially going to turn away like everyone else??

I fear and I am ashamed of this fear. God is my assurance and my constant companion.

I end tonight’s blog with the bible verse we studied tonight at camp. And when I get home I will put it up for a constant reminder.

“I took you from the ends of the earth
from its farthest corners I called you.
I said “You are my servant;
I have chosen you and have not rejected you.
So do not fear, for I am with you;
Do not be dismayed for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand,’.” -Isaiah 41: 9-10.

If you don’t mind pray for me.

Thanks 🙂 Good Night.

Camping in Glorieta

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So here it is my second blog! However this time instead of writing from the comfort of my own bedroom I am in Glorieta, New Mexico at camp. Yeah that’s right, I’m at camp. It’s really beautiful here. It’s a Christian Retreat Center with cabins and dorms. There’s a lake where you can canoe or a zip line. It even rained.

To get to Glorieta from Avondale though its a nine hour drive… We left home at three a.m. and arrived here at one thirty this afternoon. For those who would like to know I stayed up til three Saturday morning. Why? I have no idea but then I woke up at five, six, and seven. Finally at 8:30 I just got up. That all totaled up to about three or four hours of sleep. Then I stayed up til midnight on Saturday and got up at two to get ready to go… Two more hours of sleep. We get in the car and drive for and hour an a half before I finally fall back asleep for an hour an a half. So for those of you who don’t care to add that is six and a half hours of sleep in two days… I’m not sure how I’m still functioning.

Camp looks promising though. So far it’s pretty, it rained and they have fed us dinner. But if I have anymore free time I might fall asleep before we actually start…. Zzzzzzzz.

Wish me a good nights sleep.

My First Blog

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Ok I should probably start off with a disclaimer that I am new to blogging. I have only read a couple and I’ve definitely never written one. So sorry if this is really terrible.

Mostly these blogs are going to be about me and my pretty boring life. So why write about it? I have no idea… but I guess that’s part of why I’m writing this, to figure out what I want to say.

I am 21. To be exact I am 21, 4 months, and 4 days… I’m also a female. I barely go to college and I haven’t figured out what I want to major in. (I think it’s Nursing.) I am also single and have no potential boys lining up to date me. However, the most important thing about me is that I am a Christian, a Southern Baptist actually.

2013 has been a pretty good year so far. I didn’t get dumped by my boyfriend of two and a half years this year. I turned 21. I’ve made really good friends. I have a part time job that gives me tons of free time. My dad has been cancer free for a year now.

I spend a ton of time with my family, friends, at work and at church. I love spending time at church. I work with the youth, with the kids, with the babies, and of course with my own age group. But unfortunately my church doesn’t exactly have the biggest dating pool…. or one at all.

So here I am 21, only had one real relationship in my life and I am going to camp. Yeah that’s right Camp! It’s in Glorieta, New Mexico and it’s collegiate week. A week at camp full off college kids. Am I hoping there are tons of cute guys? Of course. Do I really expect to come out of it with a potential guy I would want to date? No. Do I expect to flirt with a guy I’ve just met? Probably not…. I’m shy.

So why am I telling you all of this? You tell me.

Good Night 🙂

m3r